The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Spelling Rules / My Favorite Moment Of The Bee 1
My Friend, The Dictionary
The First Goodbye
Pandemonium
I'm Not That Smart
The Second Goodbye
Magic Foot
Pandemonium (Reprise) / My Favorite Moment Of The Bee 2
Why We Like Spelling
The Prayer Of The Comfort Counselor
My Unfortunate Erection
Woe Is Me
I'm Not That Smart (Reprise)
I Speak Six Languages
The I Love You Song
Woe Is Me (Reprise)
My Favorite Moment Of The Bee 3 / Second
Finale
The Last Goodbye

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee


ANNOUNCER
Ms. Peretti, please spell syzygy.


MS. PERETTI
S-y-z-y-g-y. Syzygy?


ANNOUNCER
We have a winner!


MS. PERETTI
Haha! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


CHIP
At the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
My parents keep on telling me
Just being here is winning
Although, I know it isn't so


MS. PERETTI
But it's a very nice, very, very nice


MS. PERETTI & CHIP
Very, very nice
Very nice
Beginning!


MS. PERETTI
Our winner here last year, Chip Tolentino.


LOGAINNE
Hm, hm! Ms. Peretti!


MS. PERETTI
And our youngest competitor, Logainne Schwartzandgrubenierre.


LEAF
At the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Game - Bee
I'll stand when they announce my name


MS. PERETTI
Leaf Coneybear


LEAF
And try and keep from shaking


LOGAINNE
Alas
His shaking will not pass


ALL
'Cause it's a very big, very fraught
Simple but it's not
It's a very big undertaking


MS. PERETTI
Returning after last year's tragic setback, William Barfée!


WILLIAM
It's pronounced Barfée; there's an accent aigu!


MS. PERETTI
Uh, I'm not sure who this girl is...


MARCY
Marcy Park, recent transfer.


LOGAINNE
Winner's destination
Washington, D.C.


SPELLERS
Plasma TV in a fancy hotel
Where they treat you well
All because you love to spell
We spell!


MS. PERETTI
It's a marvelous memory
If you win the spelling bee
One's life improves from A to Z
The minute you are crowned here
I see a trophy held by me
And the one I want
Did I swell?
Oh the stories I could tell
But bragarts
Don't do well around here


OLIVE
Hi, I'm Olive Ostrovsky
Do you know where I check in?


WILLIAM
Shut up!


LEAF
At the 25th Annual
We memorize the manual


SPELLERS
About how to spell these words
Words that require thought
People think we're
Automatons
But that is exactly what we're
Not


MARCY
We hear the word


LOGAINNE
We breathe


LEAF
We wait


SPELLERS
Unlike idiots
We ideate


MS. PERETTI
To ideate is to form an image or idea; to think


LEAF
At the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee


LOGAINNE
We feel no animosity


GIRL SPELLERS
And yet our heads are spinning


WILLIAM
We are
The slightest bit bizarre


MARCY
But since the time is now


LEAF
Holy cow


LOGAINNE
We shall make a solemn vow
To concentrate
On winning


ALL
We concentrate on winning
At the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
We speak so damn convincingly


MS. PERETTI
They're nervous but they're grinning


LOGAINNE & OLIVE
It seems
We're living out our dreams


BOY SPELLERS
Which is a very nice, very nice
Very very very nice


ALL
Very nice, very nice
Very very very nice
Very nice
Beginning


MS. PERETTI
25th Annual


SPELLERS
25th Annual


ALL
Putnam County
Spelling Bee!



Spelling Rules / My Favorite Moment Of The Bee 1


MR. PANCH
Now for the official spelling bee rules:
A speller


SPELLERS
A speller


MR. PANCH
May ask questions


SPELLERS
May ask questions


MR. PANCH
About the word's pronounciation or definition


SPELLERS
Definition


MR. PANCH
Its use in a sentence


SPELLERS
In a sentence


MR. PANCH
And its language of origin


SPELLERS
Language of origin


MR. PANCH
If you start to spell a word, you may start over


ALL
But the sequences of letters already spoken
May not be changed


MS. PERETTI
Whoa! Whoa!
If you misspell a word


SPELLERS
Misspell a word


MS. PERETTI
We will ring


SPELLERS
We will ring


MS. PERETTI
The bell
And the comfort counselor


MITCH
Mitch Mahoney


SPELLERS
Mitch Mahoney


MS. PERETTI
Will escort you offstage


MR. PANCH
Is that understood spellers?


SPELLERS
Yes


MS. PERETTI
Before
Anyone is disqualified
And before
Precedings turn snide
And contestants turn nasty
I soberly confide

In the moment before the bee
Claims its first catastrophe
I love what I see
Kids acting innocently
It's my favorite moment of the bee
Rona's favorite moment of the bee



My Friend, The Dictionary


MR. PANCH
Miss Ostrovsky, your word is boanthropy.


OLIVE
Oh, wait. One second. Please ma’am, could you not sit in that seat?


OLIVE
I saved a chair for my dad
In the fourth row on the aisle
And it may take him a while
But when he gets here
That’s his chair

‘Cause my mother’s in an ashram
In India
I saved a chair for her too
But it’s merely symbolic
As daily she washes herself in the Ganges
And I live in a house
Where there’s an oversized dictionary
That I read
As a girl
On the toilet

I love my dictionary
And I love the indented border
Every word’s in alphabetical order
Ergo, lost things
Always can be found

And I wrap my head around
The fact that in one book
Is the entire language of our species
Which is a favorite term of Nicci’s
Who’s the great-grandfather of Christina Ricci’s

Yes I joke, but the words in the dictionary
Are the friends that I’ll have forever
More than the friends I have made in school


BOY SPELLERS
She’s such a lovely girl
With a lovely little voice


LOGAINNE
And I heard that she’s pro-choice
Though still a virgin


MS. PERETTI
And she talks into her hand
An often used technique


OLIVE
What you do not understand
Is once I day is then I’ve said it


MS. PERETTI
And so much to her credit
She talks into her hand
And turns aside


OLIVE
So I will not make a mistake
And be disqualified
Boanthropy. B-o-a-n-t-h-r-o-p-y? Boanthropy?

MR. PANCH
That is correct.


OLIVE & MS. PERETTI
My friend the dictionary
Is a very reliable friend


OLIVE, MS. PERETTI & GIRLS
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ba da da da da da da



The First Goodbye


MR. PANCH
Sorry, the correct spelling is m-o-h-e-l. Mohel.


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye!



Pandemonium


MR. PANCH
Please spell telephone


SPELLERS
What! Telephone? C’mon!


CHIP
My oh my


CHIP & OLIVE
That word’s so moronic


LOGAINNE
I could cry
I want words as lame


MR. PANCH
Mr. Coneybear


LEAF
Simplify
I feel supersonic


MR. PANCH
Spell hospital


SPELLERS
Aw, c’mon! What?

MR. PANCH
That is correct. Mr. Tolentino:


BOY SPELLERS
Life is random and unfair
Life is Pandemonium


MR. PANCH
Staphylococcus.


CHIP
Awwww!


SPELLERS
That’s the reason we despair


CHIP
Life is Pandemonium


LEAF
Life is Pandemonium


CHIP
Life is Pandemonium


WILLIAM
Life is Pandemonium


MR. PANCH
Broccoli


LEAF
I knew that word


OLIVE
I knew that word


WILLIAM
I knew that word


SPELLERS
God damnit!


CHIP
It is such a calamity


SPELLERS
Where should we begin?
The best spellers

MARCY
Set your sights
I am on a mission


MR. PANCH
Miss Park: Antediluvian.


LOGAINNE
We have rights
We have rights!
That’s why we complain


MR. PANCH
Mr. Barfée: Halitosis


WILLIAM
Damn life bites
But I like competition


MR. PANCH
Miss Ostrovsky: Schematic


OLIVE
In these lights
Can you feel our pain?


MR. PANCH
Somebody spell crayon


SPELLERS
Crayon?!


MITCH
Life is random and unfair
Life is Pandemonium


SPELLERS
That’s the reason we despair


CHIP
Life is Pandemonium


MITCH
Life is Pandemonium


CHIP
Life is Pandemonium


WILLAIM
Life is Pandemonium!


MR. PANCH
Dinosaur


CHIP
I knew that word


GIRL SPELLERS
I knew that word


CHIP
I knew that word


SPELLERS
God damnit!
It is such a calamity
Where should we begin?
The best spellers

CHIP
No they don’t


SPELLERS
Life is random and unfair

CHIP
Yes it is!


ALL
Yeah!



I'm Not That Smart


LEAF
I’m not that smart
My siblings have been telling me that for years
That I’m not smart
We’re schooled at home
They see who’s bright
It breaks my heart
I’m not that smart

Guess what? You know what? Guess what?

I have a gentle personality
Which you’ll all agree
Is a __________ to my more aggressive
Family
Everyone keeps swatting


SPELLERS
Dumb kid


LEAF
Everyone keeps yelling


SPELLERS
Dumb kid!


LEAF
How could a flea
Such as me
Think he’d be
Good at spelling?

How?
I don’t know
I like my hair
Really

It is pleasant to the touch
I toss my hair
A bit too much

It doesn’t move
It simply sits

I make a part
I’m not that smart

Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw
Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw Daw
Doodle Doodle Doodle Doodle Doodle Doodle Doo Doo Doo
Bum! Doodle Doo Doodoo dum Doodoo dum

I forgot the word


MR. PANCH
Acouchi


LEAF
Oh yeah, acouchi.
The rodent resembling the other rodent; what was it – A-c-o-u-c-h-i. Acouchi.


MR. PANCH
That is correct!


LEAF
I might be smart
My siblings can’t believe that I got it right
But I got it right

Right?

I didn’t cheat
I saw this light
And it was neat
I like to laugh
I like to spell
I like to never hear the bell

And if this competition’s hell
At least I’m finally a part
I feel my heart
Begin to swell
I like – nibethepa
I love
To spell
I like it a lot!



The Second Goodbye


MR. PANCH
Though you got the consonants right…


SPELLERS
Goodbye
You were good but not good enough
So please don’t ask why
Simply say
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye



Magic Foot


MS. PERETTI
Now watch this technique.
He spells the word on the floor with his foot before speaking it aloud


WILLIAM
Magic foot
Take me to the final round
Magic foot
I barely lift it
Off the ground
Magic foot
I do it without making a sound
Magic foot
Write the letter
Magic foot
Write the perfect letter
Magic foot
It’s an alphabetic way to spell

Okay, let’s see what we got here, foot.
H-a-s-e-n. Hasen!
P-f-e-f-f. Pfeff!
E-r-
Let’s-go!

Magic foot
Be specific
Magic foot
It’s terrific if you’re not specific
Magic foot
I’m terrific when I make a word
With my foot
Magic foot


ALL
Magic foot
Magic foot
Magic foot
Magic foot


WILLIAM
Magic foot
Don’t go caput
Foot!


ALL
Magic foot


WILLIAM
Magic foot
Write the goddamn letter


ALL
Magic foot


WILLIAM
A-duka-duka-duka
It’s an alphabetic way to spell


ALL
Doo Doo Doo Doo
Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo
Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo
Ahhhhhhhh


WILLIAM
Magic foot


ALL
Magic foot
Magic foot


WILLIAM
Write that letter!
Magic foot


ALL
Magic foot
Magic foot


WILLIAM
Write that stupid letter!
Magic foot


ALL
Magic foot
Magic foot


WILLIAM
It’s an alphabetic way
To
Spell


ALL
Magic foot
Magic foot
Magic foot
Foot!


Pandemonium (Reprise) / My Favorite Moment Of The Bee 2


MS. PERETTI
A surprise mistake by Mr. Tolentino!


CHIP
But I got it right


MR. PANCH
If you start to spell a word, you may start over


ALL
But the sequences of letters already spoken
May not be changed


CHIP
That’s not fair! I spelled it right!
I can’t get out on a word I spelled right!


MITCH
Life is random and unfair
Life is Pandemonium


CHIP
That’s not fair! I won last year!


MITCH
That’s the reason we despair


ALL
Life is Pandemonium
Life is Pandemonium
Life is Pandemonium
Life is Pandemonium
Life is Pandemonium


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye


MS. PERETTI
Good lord
That’s what’s swell about spelling bees
I am floored
By how last year’s big cheese
Becomes this year’s disaster
And exit with new humility

It’s a wide open jamboree
When winners lose surprisingly
Now I love what I see
I see hope and possibility
When the favorite loses 1, 2, 3

That’s my favorite moment of the bee



Why We Like Spelling


LEAF
The chaotic life
Of a twelve year old
Is too hard
And you never know what’s coming next
But in spelling


LOGAINNE
Things have logic and line


LEAF
And in spelling


LOGAINNE
There’s a greater design


OLIVE
Though in school we seem strange
At the bee we seem better


LEAF
As we count out each letter in our mind


LOGAINNE
And we find


OLIVE
We like spelling


LEAF, LOGAINNE & OLIVE
People love to hate us
‘Cause we’re too damn smart


MARCY
In our hearts we do not believe that we’ll succeed


LEAF, LOGAINNE, OLIVE & MARCY
We’re annoying


LOGAINNE
‘Cause we think on our feet


OLIVE
I’m enjoying
My new need to compete


LEAF
We love nouns
That’s our sport.
We love talcum on our towels


OLIVE
We love consonants and vowels
And we feel
Kinda real


LEAF, LOGAINNE, OLIVE & MARCY
We like spelling


WILLIAM & MARCY
I like spelling too
It’s a way to not feel rotten


CHIP
All the slights are all forgotten


OLIVE
And you feel almost normal


SPELLERS
We are fearless spellers who love scary words
We’re the nerds with the dictionary on our knees


MARCY
Underrate us


WILLIAM
With our chronic congestion


MARCY
Or debate us


WILLIAM
That’s a stupid suggestion!


LOGAINNE
‘Cause we’ll pommel your butt
When we prove who knows what


LEAF
Though we’re frightened by the sound of the bell



SPELLERS
We love words
We love words
We love words
We love words
We love words
We love words
We love spelling


CHIP
I love spelling too
That’s before I choked on tiddah
Losing that word brought so much shit up
That I’ll never recover


SPELLERS
The chaotic life
Of a twelve year old
Is too hard
And you never know what’s coming next
But in spelling
Things have logic and line
And in spelling
There’s a greater design


OLIVE
Though in school we seem strange
At the bee we seem better


GIRL SPELLERS
As we count out each letter in our mind


SPELLERS
And we find
We love spelling
It makes us feel normal
We like spelling



The Prayer Of The Comfort Counselor


MR. PANCH
I’m sorry. You missed the silent q.


MITCH
My friend you will be missed
But now go with dignity
This ends but first on our list
You can go with pride
You’ve been the best looking dude we’ve had all day
You’re a real smart dude as well
Now go home and spell
Give you squeeze some affection
Come on make a connection
Spell with patience and care
That, dude, is my prayer


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye, Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


BOY SPELLERS
Goodbye


GIRL SPELLERS
Goodbye


SPELLERS
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye


MITCH
Whoa!
All you need
Is strength to pretend it’s no big deal
Try to look like you don’t care
Try not to cry lord
In front of your brother
Don’t embarrass your mother


ALL
Not your mother


MITCH
Make your exit with care
That, is my prayer
Goodbye, goodbye


ALL
Goodbye, goodbye
Bye, bye, bye whomever
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye


MITCH
Goodbye
Whomever!


ALL
Goodbye!



My Unfortunate Erection


CHIP
Fritos! M&M’s? Oreos. All for one dollar.

It is tradition
That the person eliminated
From the competition
Is fair game for derision
Especially the alpha-male
Will sell goodies at the bake sale

Anyone for brownies
Anyone for chocolate chips
Anyone for anything
That isn’t dated
How could I have been
Eliminated?

You wanna know how?
You wanna know how?
You wanna know why?

My unfortunate erection
Is destroying my perfection
It is my recollection
That everything I once did
I did perfectly

Last year’s champ defeated!

Because of
Marigold Coneybear
Because there’s something and not a thing between us
I don’t blame my brain but I do blame my penis

My unfortunate protuberance
Seems to have its own exuberance
Anyone for M&M’s?
Delicious and appropriate
Anyone for Chewy Goobers?
Inexpensive
Anyone for buying the shit that I’m selling?
Because my stiffy has ruined my spelling

Erection
Erection
My unfortunate erection
Who-o-o-oh
It’s ruining my life
It’s ruining my world
It’s ruining my
Ruining
Ruining
Ruining my life
My life

Adulthood brings its own peculiar rejection
Which is why I’m selling this PTA
Confection
It will ruin your complexion
All because of my unfortunate
Erection
Oh God!



Woe Is Me


LOGAINNE
I’d just like to take one moment to thank my two fathers,
who have been so supportive of me in all of my endeavors.
Thank you dads!


CARL
We hate losers


DAN
No one likes a loser!


CARL
Which is why
we discipline.
God hates losers!


DAN
But he loves you!


CARL
Because losers do not know how to win


DAN
And we have faith in you honey.


CARL
Yes we do!


DAN
Yes we do!


CARL
Go get ‘em!


LOGAINNE
I hope you can love me, America
I’m gunning for first prize!
Here’s why you should love me, America
My needs I cannot overemphasize
I make myself crazy
Being what my dads hope I’ll be
But what about me dads?
What about me?
Jesus Christ!
What about me?


CARL
Practice your breathing, Logainne


LOGAINNE
Though I practice yoga
I don’t breathe
I try not to disappoint
But still I
Disappoint the dads
Who my friends mock
Kids are mean
Kids’ll talk
All my so-called friends roll their eyes
They’re incredibly petty
Because my dads are my dads
And alright enough already


ALL
Woe is me
Woe is me


LOGAINNE
Which is why I gotta win
This spelling bee


CARL
Take a picture for her BM


LOGAINNE
Dad!


DAN
Don’t call her BM, Carl.


CARL
Sorry, her birth mother


LOGAINNE
Peggy Jenkins!


DAN
She’d be very proud if she could see you spell!


LOGAINNE
My birth mother lives in Kansas, Mo
In a trailer
In a park


ALL
Tornados


LOGAINNE
Every now and then
She sends a card
Life and men, she writes
Are hard
She would like to meet me
When I’ve grown and I’ve burst like a comet
But I’m so stressed
By my stress
I just wanna up and vomit


ALL
Woe is me
Woe is me


LOGAINNE
Which is why I gotta win
This spelling


ALL
Be smart
Be cool
Be an adult
Be remarkably a joy in social situations


LOGAINNE
Woe is Me
Woe is Me


ALL
Be smart, be cool
Be smart, be cool
Be smart, be cool
Be smart, be


LOGAINNE, DADS
Which is why I gotta win
This spelling bee


ALL
Which is why she’s gotta win
This spelling bee



I'm Not That Smart (Reprise)


LEAF
I hear the bell
That to me is not an inviting sound
That little ding

To me it brings
A plaint of air
I always thought
That life was fair
I mean I never felt
A smidgen of despair

They say a bell
Can break your heart
But just not mine
Since I hope I
I think
I know
I’m smart

Apple juice please!